


This Garden in My Mouth

by SamIsNotLegend



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Hopeful Ending, Canon Compliant, Hanahaki's disease, Hide is pretty awesome in this, M/M, One sided kaneki/hide, This is sad but also happy, Unbeta'd, a ton of flowers, according to the manga, flower symbolism, hanahaki, i have taken some personal liberties with hanahaki's disease, kinda heartwarming I guess, like a lot, some boys suffering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-27
Updated: 2016-12-27
Packaged: 2018-09-12 14:47:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9077191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SamIsNotLegend/pseuds/SamIsNotLegend
Summary: The first time it happened, Hide looked at Kaneki with affection in his eyes, and then quietly coughed up a Morning Glory.





	

The first time it happened, Hide and Kaneki were still in high school. They’d been headed to the movies, but had arrived early with some time to kill. Hide had groaned about it, but secretly hadn’t minded when Kaneki dragged him to a bookstore. The blond lost his friend somewhere in the manga section, but finally found Kaneki among the mysteries. Hide recalled pausing for a moment to admire the enthralled look on his bookworm of a friend’s face, and it was in that moment that he – quietly – coughed up a single morning glory bloom in all its beautiful entirety. He stared incomprehensibly at the purple and white flower in his hand for several long moments. Then Kaneki looked up and called him over, and Hide stuffed the flower in his jacket pocket, forcibly forgetting it.

.

Two weeks later, Hide excused himself in the middle of class to cough up half a dozen of the flowers after Kaneki passed him an especially brilliant haiku composed about their evil English teacher. He flushed the flowers down the toilet.

From then on, it became a common occurrence, and he could no longer fool himself into thinking that those flowers were not Hanahaki’s disease. Under different circumstances, if he had discovered his feelings for Kaneki more naturally, he would have at least considered confessing. But the Morning Glories he coughed up every few days told him all he needed to know. Kaneki didn’t feel that same way.  

From the research he did online, he found that Morning Glories were a very common form of flower to cough up. Apparently, they symbolized ‘hopeless love’. Which was, essentially, what Hanahaki’s disease was all about.

There was no cure, Hide discovered. Or well, there was, but no cure Hide was willing to take. Falling in love with someone else who returned your feelings seemed to be a commonly utilized course for Hanahaki suffers, but Kaneki needed him. Hide wasn’t about to abandon his friend to fawn over some random person. He seriously doubted anyone could hold a candle to Kaneki anyway. Another option was hypnosis. If he could be hypnotized into forgetting his love for Kaneki the flowers would stop. Of course he’d lose all memories associated with that love too. Apparently there were various professionals throughout the world trained to do this. Not only was that option unacceptable, it was downright horrifying.

Kaneki… was everything to him. There was no point in denying that any longer. So in the end, the only option was to learn to live with the disease. Hiding it was the hardest part. The very last thing he wanted was for Kaneki to find out. He would only blame himself, Hide knew. He might even try and force himself to fall in love with Hide, in order to cure the disease. There was no way Hide could live with himself if that ever happened. So, although he hated keeping secrets from his friend, he kept the flowers hidden. He began carry around handkerchiefs with pockets sewn in to hide the flowers when he coughed them up. He forged enough doctor’s notes to explain away the cough that wouldn’t go away. He claimed a sensitive stomach to explain his sudden rushes to the bathroom. He trained himself to only ever sleep on his side, to minimize the risk of suffocation.

Hide never found it within him to resent Kaneki. Not after he vomited Marigold’s for an hour after Kaenki confessed to a crush on a girl, and not after Hide began to pull stalks of Lily of the Valley and blue violets from the back of his throat. Not even after he spent an afternoon getting his throat torn up by white and red thorned roses. (That afternoon was the first time Hide seriously thought that the disease would kill him).

.

Three days after the rose incident, he returned to school with a forged doctor’s note claiming a nasty case of bronchitis. It took him another week until he could talk normally, and during that time, Kaneki passed Hide a near-constant series of notes both in class and out of it. Hide fell in love with him all over again.

.

In the middle of their last year of high school, Hide took a job at a small corner-store florist. He took it partially out of a desire to boost his savings account, and partially because coughing up fragrant plants had given him an interest in them. Go figure. In any case, it gave him an excellent excuse as to why any flowers appeared on his person. It also explained why he smelled so ‘nice’, as a few of his female classmates put it.

Amazingly enough, he even began to enjoy it. The old woman who ran the store, Okuda-san, seemed to know about his Hanahaki’s disease, although neither of them ever mentioned it. But on bad days, it was nice to find a cup of soothing ginger tea suddenly at hand. It was while working in the flower shop that Hide lerned to like his flowers, if not the pain they caused him. Okuda-san taught him about flower meanings and arrangements, and he came to marvel at the tenacity of some flowers and delicacy of others. Sometimes, he even snuck some of his flowers in bouquets. Some people believed that Hanahaki flowers had special properties, and Hide chose to believe them too. If his flowers, with their slightly varied and above-average vibrant colors could make people happy, then there was no way he could hate them.

. 

Eventually, he and Kaneki graduated peacefully. There were a few close calls with his condition, and Kaneki’s aunt was horrid as usual, but it was nothing they couldn’t handle. Kaneki was awarded a full ride scholarship to Kamii University, and Hide got enough financial aid to cover the cost of tuition but not living expenses. So he continued to live at home.

Which was fine with him; his mother hadn’t returned home in over a year, and his caretaker hadn’t bothered him since the beginning of high school. It was basically like living alone. He was able to continue working at Okuda-san’s store too, which was nice.

College was wonderful in that it brought out a new, freer side of Kaneki Hide had never seen before, but it also came with a worsening of his Hanahaki’s disease. Previously, Hide would only cough up a dozen or so flowers a week, but now, a day couldn’t go by without Lilies clawing their way up his throat and Marigolds pouring from his mouth like a waterfall. Hide knew why it was getting worse. Out from under his aunt’s thumb, Kaneki smiled easier, the tight lines of stress around his eyes disappeared, and they were able to spend much more time together. Hide fell deeper in love with his friend every day. During their weekly movie marathon nights, he wanted no more than to wrap Kaneki up in a full embrace, but the tickle of Morning Glories at his throat kept him at arms-length. All the online sources seemed to agree that heartbreak was deadly for Hanahaki suffers. Especially one who had had the disease for as long as Hide had. Nothing would break his heart faster than Kaneki rejecting Hide’s (even platonic) affection.

.

After his third full bouquet of daffodils in as many days, Hide went to see a doctor at the end of their first semester. Said doctor somberly informed him that he had full-blown Hanahaki’s disease. Hide had been very hard pressed not to yell ‘well, duh!’ to his face. He managed to restrain himself, and listened politely while the doctor offered to make him an appointment with a well-credited Hanahaki-specialized hypnotist. Hide refused, and left the appointment with recommendations to several therapists he would never contact.

.

A month later, Hide knew he was in for a rough week when Kaneki shyly confessed to liking someone new before their shared literature class one day. Hide, carrying a bouquet of acacia blossoms he’d heaved up that morning, had giggled and begun teasing his friend gently about his newest crush. Leaving the bouquet on the teachers desk (they had a big test coming up) he sat through class and tried to ignore the familiar tickle of flowers in his throat. After class, Hide had some free time before he had to go help out Okuda-san with a few orders, so he pestered Kaneki into showing him the coffee shop where he’d apparently met the girl he liked. As they walked to their destination, Hide glanced between them and wondered what it would feel like to take Kaneki’s hand. Then he sighed, pulled out a handkerchief, and gently coughed up a few gardenia petals.

The coffee shop was nice. Hide was no connoisseur, but the mocha he ordered was delicious. He and Kaneki passed the time easily, talking about nothing. Hide smiled, and relished in the strong sense of contentment he always felt around Kaneki. Kaneki may not want him in the same way, but Hide felt loved, anyway. On the TV closest to them, a news caster reported an incident nearby with a ghoul.

From there, Hide and Kaneki’s conversation turned to ghouls and whether or not they existed. Hide smiled inwardly during parts of it. He felt like he could relate to ghouls a little bit. People debated whether Hanahaki’s disease existed too, often accusing people with the condition of faking it. Not only that, but the way Hide went about hiding his disease was much like the way he imagined ghouls would conceal their ghoulishness. He half-jokingly thought that he might like to compare notes with one someday.

Then a beautiful woman walked in, and Hide’s spirits fell even as a teasing smirk rose on his lips. Hating himself even as he did, he discouraged Kaneki from pursuing his crush, claiming she was out of his league. It wasn’t true, Kaneki was very good looking, and super smart, and funny and… anyway, it wasn’t true. But Hide couldn’t help but give into this little bit of selfishness. He hoped that maybe, by convincing his friend to give up, he could stave off his heartbreak a bit. Making his excuses, Hide left soon after.

He was so selfish. Kaneki deserved better than a diseased, selfish person like Hide. He deserved a sweet girl who was his type, quiet, beautiful, and who loved books. Basically the very opposite of Hide himself.

He was going to vomit.

Ducking into an ally, Hide hid behind a dumpster and crouched down, facing the wall. Then, shoving two fingers down his throat, he felt around for the offending flower. Usually, the flowers came out head first, followed by their stems. Sometimes if he was lucky it was the opposite, but today was not a lucky day. It was marigolds (of course) and there were a lot of them. For half an hour he stayed behind the dumpster vomiting up golden flowers, occasionally pulling them up when they became caught in his throat. When he finally yanked out the last flower, Hide leaned his head against the brick wall and took several long, deep breaths. Spitting out a few stray petals, he wiped the water away from his eyes and drool from the corners of his mouth. Then he looked down at the flowers. About three dozen marigolds. Aside from roses, it was probably his worst bout yet. And still, he sighed heavily, a golden petal blowing past his lips, they were beautiful. Hide didn’t understand it, but his flowers were never gross after he’d heaved them up. They dried of his saliva (and other things) almost immediately, and often looked barely rumpled. Picking up the whole flowers and leaving the pile of petals, he stood up to leave. Heartbreak or no, he was probably done with flowers for today, which was –

Hide recoiled as a previously unseen door next to the dumpster swung open, slamming squarely into the side of his face. “OW! What the ffnnnn– !!!” Gritting his teeth, Hide barely managed to keep himself from cursing as Anteiku’s cute waitress stepped through the door.

“What are you doing out here?” She asked, bewildered.

Curing up a storm on the inside, Hide rubbed the sore side of his face and grinned awkwardly. Damn, there was a huge pile of petals just behind him. That combined with the flowers in his hands, and his general disheveled state, it wouldn’t take a genius to guess. Even if Hanahaki’s disease was rare, it was still a widely talked about and debated subject. Oh god, what if she mentioned it to Kaneki?! They’d come to the café together and Kaneki was a regular here!

“Oh! UM! I’m a florist! Special delivery to, um…!” Hide paused momentarily to pretend to check a list he most certainly didn’t have. “T-T-T-T-Tori…Kirishita! From your secret admirer!” Shoving the naked bouquet at her, he made his escape before she could say anything else.

Hide berated himself all throughout the bus ride to Okuda’s flower shop. He should have waited until he was further away from the café before vomiting up the flowers, or immediately thrown them in the dumpster instead of keeping them. He should have come up with a better story. Putting on his headphones, Hide drowned out his regrets with music.

Ten minutes into helping Okuda-san with a new shipment of lilies, Hide received an excited text from Kaneki. Looked like his friend had gotten that bookstore date he wanted, after all.

Hide stood there dumbly for several long moments. It was stupid, it was just a date, not like Kaneki was getting married or anything. There was nothing to freak out about.

“O-Okuda san…” Hide gave a hiccupping sob, expelling a few marigold petals.

The old woman looked up from where she was arranging a bouquet of lilies to put in the window, but stopped immediately upon meeting her employees gaze. “Oh dear...”

Hide dropped the hand holding his phone and reached up to wipe at the tears streaking down his face. “Come on dear, let’s take a break.” Hide allowed Okuda-san to lead him to the tiny room they maintained in the back, sobbing quietly into his hands as she gently pushed him down to sit on the threadbare sofa.

“I’m s-sorry…” He hiccupped a few minutes later as she handed him a cup of ginger tea with lemon and honey. “I – I don’t know what came over me.” He tried for a smile. “Must be hormones or something. Guess I’m still a teenager after all…!”

Okuda gave him a clear ‘don’t give me that nonsense,’ look, and reached forward to brush a flower petal from his cheek. “Why don’t you go ahead and tell me about them, dear.”

Hide’s face screwed up, and he felt fresh tears, no, they were petals, flutter down his cheeks. Wiping them away, he began. “His name is Kaneki. We – we grew up together. Neither of us ever…” Hide paused, biting his lip. Okuda didn’t need their life story. How could he make her understand what Kaneki meant to him? Finally, he said, “he’s my home.”

“Oh…” She murmured.

“I love him… so much. A-and I thought that I could be fine so long as he’s happy, but… I’m selfish…” Hide looked down, avoiding Okuda’s gaze. “There’s a girl he likes. She’s beautiful. Gorgeous. And she likes the same things he does. Th-they’re going to go out, and I don’t…” Hide couldn’t finish the sentence, and so returned to sobbing silently into his hands.

“Is there anything I can do?” Okuda asked after a few minutes.

Hide shook his head silently. “Just… let me keep working here, please.” Drying his tears, he gathered up the petals that had fallen into his lap and gave a watery smile. “These are a part of me now. I don’t want to hate them, and being here reminds me to love them. It – it probably sounds silly, but, if my love, even if it’s painful sometimes, can create such beautiful things, then it can’t be bad, right? I just… I don’t… I don’t want to ever regret loving him.”

“It’s not silly.” She assured, patting him on the head like Hide had seen her do with her grandchildren. He felt like a child then too. “Stay back here as long as like, I’ll take care of displays, don’t worry. Now drink your tea! It’ll get cold soon.”

Hide did as she said.

.

A week later, Kaneki was in the hospital and Hide was vomiting up orange primroses in the back of a taxi. Hide was Kaneki’s primary emergency contact (and he was his) and the hospital had called him just after 4 AM. Kaneki was in surgery, and it was uncertain whether or not he’d pull through. He’d required a kidney transplant.

“Hey buddy!” The cab driver called back to him, “You make a mess back there, and you’re paying to have the car cleaned!”

“Don’t worry.” Hide answered between retches. “It’s just” Another mouthful of orange. “Flowers.”

The driver didn’t answer, but he stepped on the gas. Hide laughed inwardly. The guy probably thought he was going to the hospital for himself!

Hide tipped the driver generously when they got there, and spat a few more flowers into the bag he carried around with him for just these purposes before getting out.

“Take care of yourself!” The driver called after him. Hide waved in response. He wasn’t the one who needed to be taken care of.

Inside, the receptionist directed him to the waiting room. It was empty, aside from him. Sitting in the brightly lit room, Hide stared at his hands for what could have been hours or minutes, only moving to vomit the occasionally mouthful of flowers into his bag. He didn’t think about what would happen if Kaneki didn’t make it. The flowers said it all for him.

I can’t live without you.

Pathetic.

The door swung open, admitting a tired-looking middle-aged man dressed in scrubs. “Nagachika?” He asked.

Hide stood up so fast his head swam. “Y-yes! Is Kaneki okay?!”

The doctor smiled. “He’ll be fine. He’s in recovery now, if you’d like to see him?”

“Yes! Please!”

The man chuckled, and led Kaneki down brightly lit hallways and into a small curtained room. Parting the curtains, Hide looked down at his best friend. Pale, dark circles under his eyes, hair clinging to his sweaty forehead, he looked awful. Hide pulled up a chair and sat by the side of Kaneki’s bed. Hesitatingly, Hide reached out to hold Kaneki’s hand.

It was warm.

He was okay.

Hide sobbed quietly, ducking his head to hide the violet petals falling down his face.

“He’s still recovering,” The doctor said, “so I’ll be back to get you in a few minutes.”

Hide nodded, to show that he’d heard. 

Leaning forward, Hide allowed the purple petals to spill across the sheets as he rested his forehead on Kaneki’s hand.

Breathing deeply, he counted to 100 before siting up to gather all the fallen petals.

.

For a while, the only flowers Hide created were Primroses. He’d wondered before, why he’d never settled on a flower. Most Hanahaki sufferers did only produce one type of flower, if not right away then fairly quickly. But Hide had had the disease for over two years and he never knew what was next. Then again, he’d never heard of people crying flowers either.

.

There was a junior in Hide’s club that he didn’t like. His name was Nishiki, and he… felt _slimy_ to Hide. There was just something off about him, too much of what he said and did seemed fake, and every now and again Hide would see him make this inscrutable expression from the corner of his eyes. Like he was deciding how best to use everyone in the room. Not only that, but he wrinkled his nose every time Hide came near him. Hide knew he smelled like flowers, but that was really way too much. He wasn’t even discrete either. So yeah. Hide didn’t like Nishiki all that much. 

So when he realized he had to track down this guy, when he was supposed to be hanging out with Kaneki, he wasn’t exactly pleased. Especially considering how weird Kaneki had been acting ever since he got out of the hospital. He’d been jumpy as of late, and clearly wasn’t eating well. He’d even gotten sick eating their beloved Big Girl burgers! Something was up, and Hide had been hoping to get to the bottom of it today, but it was looking like that would have to wait a bit.

Venting his irritation, Hide didn’t knock before opening the door to where Nishiki was working.

Well, Hide thought as Nishiki’s girlfriend ran out of the room shrieking, if his junior hadn’t hated him before he definitely did now. The day just progressed from there. Nishiki didn’t have the materials Hide needed, so he’d have to go to his house to get them. Then Kaneki, who had been acting nervous ever since they came in, insisted on coming with them, and an uneasy sense of dread settled in Hide’s stomach.

(Hide thought that he much preferred the feeling of flowers there, after all).

Kaneki refused the takoyaki they bought, but Hide didn’t have much time to worry about it before he was punted into a brick wall. After that, everything was blurry and confusing, and his head was throbbing, but Hide did gain one piece of knowledge from the situation.

His best friend was a ghoul.

.

Hide still loved Kaneki, of course. A little thing like species wouldn’t stop the petals from falling from his lips.

But he didn’t know how to let his friend know that. For some reason, Kaneki seemed terrified of Hide ever finding out, so Hide tried everything he knew to let his friend know that he was there for him no matter what, without actually saying it.

Hide felt helpless as he watched Kaneki drift further and further into a world he couldn’t reach. Until one day, he disappeared completely.

The flow of primroses from his mouth ran dry, and Hide found that he could live without Kaneki. 

Instead, it was bouquets of Zinnia that manifested his quiet suffering and long hours of longing into tangible objects. He could live without him, but it was not a painless experience. With the Zinnia came remembrance, but also determination.

Hide quit his job with Okuda-san. He still brought her his flowers to sell, but he was focused on a new task. The people at Anteiku knew something of where Kaneki was, but they weren’t telling. So Hide would ignore them. He’d find his friend himself. Alive or dead, for better or worse, Hide wasn’t letting Kaneki go it alone.

.

At some point during Hide’s independent investigation, he passed the third year anniversary since his Hanahaki’s disease had manifested. It was quite a feat, most people did not survive past the first year. Hide was producing more bouquets than ever, but he was still going strong.  

.

He’d become an information broker of sorts. His clients, (although he preferred the term friends) jokingly started referring to him as ‘The Florist’, because he usually had a bouquet on hand and of course, because he smelled like flowers. The moniker stuck and Hide took it with good humor. One of his ‘friends’ a ghoul by the name of Itori, even gave him a mask to go with the moniker. It was a simple festival mask decorated with a vibrant sunflower. Hide had never coughed up a sunflower, but he loved it nonetheless, and began bringing it to all his dealings with ghouls.

Apparently, the smell of flowers had become so steeped into him that most ghouls could not tell whether he was ghoul, human, or plant. Most leaned towards plant, Hide included. He wasn’t complaining, it was useful to not be seen as food.

.

Kaneki was hard to find. For one, he wasn’t going around using his real name. Whatever nickname he was using (if he was using one, if he was even still alive) Hide didn’t recognize it. So Hide left the Tokyo streets, keeping up with the information business of the side, and took up a part-time job at the CCG.

.

One of his earlier exploits became useful and he led the CCG to a major ghoul hideout on a gut feeling. He was made junior investigator because of it. He kept his secret from Amon, but Akira discovered the flowers on his tongue not long after they began making progress after Centipede. He lied and told her it was a small love that would go away, and that she shouldn’t worry. Amazingly, she believed him. Or perhaps, she just didn’t want to believe the alternative. Meanwhile, Hide became quietly aware that this ‘Centipede’ was Kaneki.  As they made progress, Hide’s goal became less about being reunited and more about making sure that his friend lived no matter the cost.

.

Hide was close to finding his friend. Unfortunately, so was the CCG. He made a deal.

.

His Zinnia were now accompanied by Edelweiss blossoms. Down in the sewers, he held his friend close, plucked the centipede legs from his body, and whispered white carnations back into his soul. Hide asked Kaneki to fight, one more time.

**Author's Note:**

> Holy cow here come the flower meanings. I researched this but am by no means an expert, if I got something wrong please tell me. 
> 
> Morning Glory - hopeless or unrequited love  
> Marigold - jealousy  
> Lily of the Valley - You've made my life complete  
> Blue Violets - faithfulness, I'll always be there  
> Red Rose - I love you  
> White Rose - Pure love, worthiness  
> Daffodils - Unequalled love, you're the only one for me  
> Acacia - Concealed love  
> Gardenia - You are lovely, a secret love  
> Primrose - I can't live without you  
> Zannia - Longing, missing someone dear  
> Sunflower - following the sun, happiness, basically Hide idk  
> Edelweiss - Devotion, a conquering love  
> White Carnations - purity (theorized to represent Kaneki's Humanity in the Manga/Anime)
> 
> The flowers represent the emotions Hide was feeling for Kaneki in the scene, more or less. As you can see, he is horribly smitten. 
> 
> What do you guys think of how I characterized Hide? I feel like I might have made him too introspective and angsty but I dunno choking on flowers might do that to you. 
> 
> Part 2???? Will there be a happy ending? Who knows.


End file.
